Who pays on the first date?

I originally wrote this as a facebook note and had a lot of feedback, so here it is again:

We were sitting in the office and the question of who pays on a first date comes up. For me it was simple, “the guy pays, because it’s the first date.”

I have developed a technique where I fiddle with my wallet, slowly sliding it out of my bag. When it lands on the table, I let my fingers hover over the clasp of the wallet and wait for him to notice. I will offer to pay. At this point, I expect the guy to insist on paying. I might even offer once more, but on the second, weak offer, my wallet will already have slowly started to slide back into my purse. And you can bet I’ll be on the phone complaining to my friends the next day if I end up paying for the check.

However, my co-worker didn’t let me get away with it. “If women and men are equal, then they are equally free to pay for the cheque. It’s equal to go dutch.”

My thoughts? The guy pays, and the sky is blue. There are certain things that you don’t question – it’s just good manners.

Or is it? I wholeheartedly agree that it’s a great thing to go dutch once you’re past the first, or second date – this rule doesn’t apply to relationships - i.e. “I’ve got dinner, so you’ll get the movie tomorrow.”

But I’m also a feminist – not the bra-burning variety - I firmly believe that men and women should have equal access to opportunities. I also believe that men and women are different – and I like this to be recognized. Gender might be a performance, and I occasionally play a hyper-traditional role – but I still expect a guy to know that I am also going to step out of that role at some point.

So why is paying considered good manners? What does the man picking up the check symbolize? Are its roots in an archaic time where the man is the provider and the woman is expected to be a homemaker? Does it imply that a woman is weak, or does she owe the man something after letting him pay, such as her time and conversation, or more? Is a man paying on the first date today symbolic of him showing his potential to financially provide for you? Am I reinforcing gender roles by expecting the guy to pay?

I was always pushed to excel, a student council member and honour roll student who played classical piano instead of watching TV. I wasn’t supposed to grow into a woman that NEEDS someone to pay – which I don't. But I do expect it.

One thing I do know, is that most Latin Americans would be horrified that I am even asking this question. “What! Que horror! He actually had the audacity to take you out and not pay? Eso no es correcto!”

I am also going to take a moment to point out that latin dance, i.e. salsa, mimics these gender roles, with the man leading and having full control of where the couple goes, as the woman follows and is attentive to his every movement.

Back in Canada, I was raised in two households – and the Ecuadorian one was a place where “no decent girl goes to a guy’s house” and where my guy friends, forget boyfriends, were expected to “have the decency to walk you home” and on my first date my dad said, “I will drive you there – and bring a baseball bat”. I got away with hitting my brother, but if he looked at me the wrong way, “Nicolas! You don’t hit to a woman!” My dad always walked on the car side of the road, and carried my bags. My younger brother regularly gives me rides and he, too, carries my bags. Both are quick to label guys that upset me either “a vulture/shark/buitre/tiburon” (Jaime senior) or “a douche” (Jaime junior). Melindita la hermanita mijita chiquitita is sugar and spice and everything will be nice, by family standards,… provided that she is going out with guys that pay for her.

When I lived in Guatemala and Ecuador, I did like walking around with a guy. 1) it makes unwanted guys eff off – with the exception of fresh ones who yell “primo!” or “cunhado!” 2) It is safer in areas where crime is a concern. And what happens when you are constantly with a guy? You constantly get things paid for.

One of the beautiful things about being bi-cultural is taking bits and pieces of all of your cultures, and re-inventing and re-working them in a way that fits for you. My Canadian side keeps me feisty and independent and my Latina side puts life, colour, and passion into my feminine identity. Identity is fluid, and today, I’m a feminist that still expects the guy to pay. Colorin, colorado, el cuento se ha acabado.